maple_syrup

(this was originally posted on mastodon under followers-only, i am reposting it here publicly.)

(warning: contains a lot of upset venting about mental health and subtooting)

i dont deal well with rejection or with being left out of things.

there's a whole very popular circle on mastodon right now that i need to avoid because i'm not part of it and i don't feel like i can/am allowed to be part of it and it makes a vicious cycle of pushing people away

my most vivid memories of earlier years are people cancelling on me whenever i asked them to go out or do stuff or even my fucking _birthday_

so when i get left out of anything it's just scar on top of scar on top of bad mental illness piling up and causing me to explode every single time

i feel this a lot with [a certain mastodon person] because [she] started using mastodon on computer fairies and we used to be friends

then she had a secondary account on dev.glich.social where she messed with mastodon and it made her able to post spinning text and then everyone was posting spinning text and it really hurt me that nobody would tell me how the spinny text worked

until it was patched out so i wasn't allowed in on the fun

and then because of an outburst one day where i had temporarily decided to shut down computer fairies (later going back on that decision) [she] just left computer fairies never to come back and went to cybre.space instead

and had a whole another circle of friends and played with hacking their computers and i really wanted to be a part of all of that and i asked her but she declined

this is why i have such a major gripe with like half of mastodon. i don't feel like i'm friends with half the people who follow me. i feel like i'm just here to humor you and you dont'care that i'm not being included when you do things with your friends.

i'm trying to mitigate this cult of personality shit that's going on mastodon by keeping computer fairies and furry corner (my discord) as open to everyone as possible

so when people choose the people who leave me out of things over the spaces i try to keep as open as possible

it really fucking hurts

yes i hold a lot of fucking [grudges] but most of them are because people would rather distance themselves from me or let me distance from them and give up on our friendship rather than trying to reach out to me to try working things out

like, idk

am i really that bad?? is what i keep asking myself

could you like, tell me instead of fucking abandoning me?

thanks