some thoughts before going to bed
Jun. 18th, 2018 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maple_syrupi think this is going to be mostly disorganized and negative, so.
it sort of ties in with my previous post about my abandonment issues, but i've just generally been feeling really horrible lately
a lot of people i considered friends, and at least some who i thought were on ok terms with me being around, have been blocking me recently. i guess i can't blame them, i can get snappy and spiteful sometimes
i dunno. it just sucks a lot. social media has this tendency to turn into a popularity contest whether you like it or not. and i totally got suckered into the mentality, i can't help but check how many people liked a post i made, how many people are following me.
and i'm not popular in the fediverse by any stretch of the imagination. i used to have 700+ followers on my very first account on the sole reason that i'd started my own instance during the april 2017 mastodon boom. after deleting and/or abandoning accounts due to mental breakdowns, my current one has less than 40.
so when i see people with 200+ followers (my previous one, which was rather longer-standing, never broke 200) i get a little uncomfortable with envy and feelings of inadequacy
i dunno. i guess im not trying to get anywhere with this. i'm just explaining how i feel. i know it doesn't justify any of my actions. but it sucks that there is a large-and-growing group in mastodon that i absolutely cannot interact with because either i try to distance myself from them for my own sake or they've decided to distance themselves from me because i lash out and they take me for a bad person, or think i need space (i don't. the worst i can be is alone with my own thoughts)
so i dunno. just a bunch of words i felt needed to get out of my mind and into somewhere that i know is publicly visible, even if i won't ever know who read it.
sigh. i'm just mentally exhausted.
i wish i could stop focusing on the bad, which is a whole group ostracizing me, and focus more on the good, which is my small group of friends who still try to support me no matter how bad i get. i wish i didn't care so much about popularity or numbers or how many people like me and talk to me, or that more people are talking to those who hate me. it's easier said than done.
it sort of ties in with my previous post about my abandonment issues, but i've just generally been feeling really horrible lately
a lot of people i considered friends, and at least some who i thought were on ok terms with me being around, have been blocking me recently. i guess i can't blame them, i can get snappy and spiteful sometimes
i dunno. it just sucks a lot. social media has this tendency to turn into a popularity contest whether you like it or not. and i totally got suckered into the mentality, i can't help but check how many people liked a post i made, how many people are following me.
and i'm not popular in the fediverse by any stretch of the imagination. i used to have 700+ followers on my very first account on the sole reason that i'd started my own instance during the april 2017 mastodon boom. after deleting and/or abandoning accounts due to mental breakdowns, my current one has less than 40.
so when i see people with 200+ followers (my previous one, which was rather longer-standing, never broke 200) i get a little uncomfortable with envy and feelings of inadequacy
i dunno. i guess im not trying to get anywhere with this. i'm just explaining how i feel. i know it doesn't justify any of my actions. but it sucks that there is a large-and-growing group in mastodon that i absolutely cannot interact with because either i try to distance myself from them for my own sake or they've decided to distance themselves from me because i lash out and they take me for a bad person, or think i need space (i don't. the worst i can be is alone with my own thoughts)
so i dunno. just a bunch of words i felt needed to get out of my mind and into somewhere that i know is publicly visible, even if i won't ever know who read it.
sigh. i'm just mentally exhausted.
i wish i could stop focusing on the bad, which is a whole group ostracizing me, and focus more on the good, which is my small group of friends who still try to support me no matter how bad i get. i wish i didn't care so much about popularity or numbers or how many people like me and talk to me, or that more people are talking to those who hate me. it's easier said than done.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-18 04:56 am (UTC)but life moves on! I joined a new discord server run by another longtime friend and now I get to meet her partners and other friends and hang out and it's awkward being a new person in a close-knit group like that and I'm sure I'll get anxious and leave within a month but it's fun right now!
I don't know the secret to making or keeping friends, but I do know that I'm very very glad I made you as a friend and I plan to keep you for as long as you'll let me.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-05 08:39 pm (UTC)i'm really sorry this is happening to you. i hope feel better soon - but no pressure, because you gotta have time for grieving for the lost contacts, that's important too.